For the next 14 days, we will see Hallmark® commercials everywhere, reminding us that Valentine’s Day is approaching.  This holiday sparks strong feelings among many people and I have no doubt you have thoughts on it as well. However, I like this day because I think it can be used as an opportunity by moms to take a reflective pulse and ask several important questions which may not often be on our radar screen.

I have found over my career as a therapist that moms make assumptions which are inaccurate. For instance, many moms believe that because they love their children, their children know it.  Most moms are surprised and horrified when they hear their children doubt or question their love. Instead of stepping back and asking significant questions, they react and get upset with the child’s honesty, further pushing the child into the cave of feeling unloved and vulnerable.

Most moms I know do love their children. I have met a few who are truly narcissistic and only care about how they appear to others as a mom.  Fortunately, I don’t know too many of these “special people”. However, it is important that we take a few moments and reflect on whether or not we are communicating love to our children in the way they need to experience it.

Saying “I love you” is not enough.  It needs to be said to our children and said often. However, we need to be sure we say and mean it because they know when we are giving lip service.  Moms also need to be sure they say it for no special reason.  Telling your child you love them “just because” says they do not have to earn your love.  Unfortunately in this day and age, unconditional love is rather uncommon.

Another way for moms to say they love their children is to touch them. I know this seems obvious, but the truth is that as our children get older, we touch them less.  There are many reasons for that but it should not dissuade us from being intentional in making the effort.

My son Taylor was not an affectionate child or teen.  As a result, I had to be creative in how I touched him. I would pat him on the shoulder, touch his knee, or mess with his hair.  Unlike my daughter who would hug for minutes at a time, I had to adapt to what was the most comfortable connection point for him and honor him in that capacity.

Another way to say you love your children is to spend time doing what they like to do. My friend Carrie made a New Year resolution to get on the floor and play a game with her children every day for at least 15 minutes.  This may not sound like a lot of time but try it and see how hard it is when you have ten other things floating through your mind.  Play time says you value them enough to make them a priority in a manner that is important to them. This focused time is really big and it creates trust in the relationship which you will need later in life.

When the children become teens, you will have to be extremely intentional about making time with them. I always knew that if I wanted to have some time with Taylor alone, I could take him out to dinner at a restaurant that had really good food but lousy service so we could talk while we waited for our meal to come.  I also worked at finding something he and I could both enjoy doing together that was unique to the two of us (billiards). Neil and I took every possible opportunity to connect with Taylor and Tiffany, including time spent in the car to and from activities and fun family events.

Time is the commodity where everyone receives the same amount.  What we do with it is a reflection of our priorities, values, and convictions.  As a culture, moms are really busy and we have confused busyness with love. You and I can have good intentions about providing children opportunities, but we do them a great disservice if we give them everything in the world but us.  Love makes sure they are able to draw from us like a hose from a well. If children do not get enough of their mom, there will forever be an emptiness that they will spend the rest of their lives trying to fill. Unfortunately, this void is the exact thing addictions, bad choices, and inadequacies are made of.

Time creates moments where you are able to listen.  When your children are small, what they share may not seem all that significant or important. But if they understand you are paying attention to what is important to them when they are small, they will trust you with the more complex, challenging issues which surface as you get older.

Thoughtfulness will also be a way by which you can demonstrate love to your children.  Taking the time to say thank you, picking up their favorite treat on special days, rewarding the moments where their character shines, etc., are just a few of the ways you can show you are paying attention to who they are and how they feel.

I am not laying guilt and burden on mothers. I simply want to make sure you know in your heart your children really sense the love you feel.  Wouldn’t it be sad if you spent your whole life thinking they knew something they really didn’t know?

Lastly, children are born sensors and they may not always be able to articulate what they feel, but they must first receive love in order to return it.  If you look at the teaching of Jesus (1 John 4:19), we learn we are loved because He first loved us.  Transfer that thought to you and your children, and you will have a greater appreciation of all the ways Jesus sought to show love to His followers.

Think about it!
Catherine